<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Poems from a disgraced god by macabremusic</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696917">Poems from a disgraced god</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/macabremusic/pseuds/macabremusic'>macabremusic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Body Dysmorphia, Body Dysphoria, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of Blood, POV First Person</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:21:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,511</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/macabremusic/pseuds/macabremusic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>-All first person (as Lester, because that makes sense)<br/>-Probably ooc but that's okay<br/>-Lester is a genuinely interesting character some people just don't have taste<br/>-A ton of flashbacks<br/>-I will give warnings.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>AN: For some reason it's not letting me give a chapter summary, so just know that this one is sorta explicit (?) and has a mention of blood and character death. </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> Dreams </span>
</p><p>I dreamed about him again, for what must have been the thousandth time. </p><p>It wasn’t terrible. I wasn’t guilty. </p><p>The man had no scar. </p><p>He had no clothes either. </p><p>Luck had fallen upon me. </p><p>In this dream, I was my normal self. </p><p>My real self. </p><p>Light. </p><p>Beautiful. </p><p>It felt so real. </p><p>I hadn’t realized how much I missed these nights. </p><p>No blood. </p><p>No death. </p><p>No flower petals. </p><p>It felt serene, as though this was where I was meant to be. Always. </p><p>I did wake up though.</p><p>Clinging to my sheets, sweating. </p><p>Clinging to the memory.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Blood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: Mentions of blood, collapsing, character death</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Blood</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This dream was different. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No pleasure. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The grass felt so real. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My nose itched. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The blood on my hands didn’t shock me. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I had lived this all before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I was sorry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh so sorry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wanted to fall to my knees, beg for forgiveness. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My legs gave out underneath me. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I collapsed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The ground had a heartbeat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My lover did not. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Let Go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Based on that one part in THO where Hyacinthus' ghost shows up and somehow predicts the future (Rick wtf was that)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Let Go</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The hallucination fades. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His image retreats.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don't let it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don't let him go. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Grab his shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Make him face you.  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s crying. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Let go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re staring at you. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Soulmates</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: Vague mention of emotional abuse, and death</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Soulmates</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I never liked the idea of soulmates. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What if you didn't like them? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Being bound to someone for eternity sounded exhausting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I did gradually grow more accepting to the idea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The humans liked it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they died. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They faded out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They forgot their own people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I mentioned it in counsel one day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My father laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I love the idea of soulmates.  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Purple</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>No warnings</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Purple</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The color purple. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I have never liked purple. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn't suit me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Didn’t match my hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or my eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My love did, though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes were violet. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>They shone. </b>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Water</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: Flashbacks, fear, anxiety, social isolation </p><p>Also based on the part in TDP where he just casually mentions that he has ptsd flashbacks every time he comes in contact with bodies of water, but they just kinda skip past that so that's cool.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Water</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes, I do know how to swim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I used to, at least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hate the reflection. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stay on the shore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sweat dripped down my back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ironically, it made me shiver. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Join us” they’d say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't take baths. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I bathe, yes, but no baths. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I can’t stand it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It frightens me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m human now. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Kids</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: vague mention of unhappy lives, but when I say vague, I mean VAGUE.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kids</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I love my kids. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, I do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their futures are bright. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, some of them are. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tried to visit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m all tied up. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Hate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: strong mentions of fear, phobias, emotional repression, and unhealthy codependency</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Hate</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hate nightmares. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hate them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hate the way I rely on my sister. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Comfort me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Love me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cherish me.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hate snakes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slimy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scaly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hate flowers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hurt to look at. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hate forests. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Guilt consumes me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hate the dark. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The unseen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hate fear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m afraid of it.  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Body/Reflection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: body dysphoria, dysmorphia, and warped perceptions</p><p>Also: people really should have taken him more seriously when he was "complaining" about his body instead of making fun of him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Body/Reflection</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My body looks wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hadn’t fully seen it until this morning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peering in the mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I knew I didn't look the same as before, but. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Those aren’t my eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They can’t be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’ve never once changed my eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s not my hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I know my hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blond. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like a wreath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A halo. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This hair is curly, but. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The wrong kind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I have my mom’s hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The nose is all wrong too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Too short. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Too stubby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The mirror scares me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It has to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I know what I look like. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Forget</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: sort of amnesia, forgetfulness, anxiety</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Forget</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yesterday, It took me a minute to remember Artie’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That upset me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Artemis is my twin sister. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>We are identical. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I should know what my sister looks like. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I should know what my mom looks like. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hermes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I should know what I look like. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Harm/ Wary Stares</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: kinda homophobia? Like not intentionally but still</p><p>Also: im not sure why it automatically sets this to complete. I still have a lot more to go.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Harm/Wary Stares</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Today Leo Valdez said something curious to me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rock Hudson?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was not a question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was more of an accusation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I remember the first time I had a male lover. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I remember the stares. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I thought I had gotten used to the wary glances of people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holding a boyfriend’s hand in a supermarket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As a god, it never really bothered me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one would protest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I’m not that anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A god. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't think Leo meant any harm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I answered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I played it off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m not sure why it bothered me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I was myself I was never afraid.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Labels</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Apollo labels himself but is not sure why it really matters.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Labels</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I like men. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’ve had to explain that many times. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m not sure when I had to start. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Where I’m from, it didn’t matter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no label for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was normal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I like women too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re pretty, soft, elegant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Usually I would say my tastes vary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not that I don't label myself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't think it matters. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I guess if I had to label it, I would fit best into bisexuality. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not that gender doesn’t matter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, it does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I hang around Artie too long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a bad breakup.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I like both. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't see what’s so wrong with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some people have been confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like Meg. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meg was confused at first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then she said it was more that I had actually managed to land a date with anyone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That made sense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I suppose I am unattractive like this. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Godhood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Apollo wishes he were a god. I don’t blame him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Godhood</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I was a god. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I was a god, I would date Lityerses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wish I was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I'm a god. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I’m a god, I’ll visit Kayla’s father. Darren. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss him too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I doubt Lit would be able to see past this form anyway</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Ugly</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: self deprecation </p><p>In other words: Apollo is very upset.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ugly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s occured to me that I am ugly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not really really ugly, but enough so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Enough so that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a wonder I have been loved. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Soulmates Pt II/ Reminisce</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Note: the “him” is Hyacinthus</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Soulmates Pt II/Reminisce</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m tired of thinking about him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I love him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, I do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it hurts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It still hurts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I guess he was the one person I really, truly loved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I had never loved anyone quite like that before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I haven’t since. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I had a soulmate. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>It would be him. </b>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Holes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: homesickness, feeling isolated, feeling empty</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Holes</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss Artie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss Hermes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss my mom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hell, I even miss Dionysus’ parties. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything hurts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a dull hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>An ache. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like there’s a crevice in my chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not quite my heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s always been a hole in my heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I lost him, a chunk was taken out of me. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Do I?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lester definitely sorta-kinda-maybe had a small crush on Percy. Not really a ship but he is very confused about how mortal bodies work.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Do I?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I read Percy’s story yesterday. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I skipped straight to the part about me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then I thought for a minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why does it matter what Percy thinks of me? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of all people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't even like Percy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least, not like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or maybe I do? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m not sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This body is confusing. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Weak</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kinda explicit (nothing graphic, just implied) <br/>Warning: mentions of murder</p><p>Based on that one scene where he dreams about Commodus, and as Mrs. Homophobe #1 said on her one-star review on good reads, “expresses lust for a  male character wearing nothing but a loincloth.”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Weak</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I had a dream last night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A different him this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Less peaceful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Less soft. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Far less beautiful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could have killed me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He would have killed me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I’m not sure why my body reacted like it did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am still attracted to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He makes me weak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I had less shame, I would’ve whimpered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I missed him too, as much as I hate to say it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not in the way I miss the other one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss his touch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m so weird. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: mentions of murder, drowning</p><p>Apollo represses his feelings.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Want</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How do I tell them? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I know who the enemy is. Oh yeah, we used to date. Yes, I drowned him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His name is stupid. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>C o m m o d u s</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Y̶o̶u̶ ̶l̶i̶t̶e̶r̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶m̶e̶l̶t̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶.̶ ̶</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No I don't. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶o̶k̶e̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶l̶a̶s̶t̶ ̶n̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, but that’s just because of this stupid mortal body. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>H̶o̶w̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶e̶x̶p̶l̶a̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶-̶</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s enough. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a constant battle.  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Embarrassed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Apollo is not sure why he feels the way he does. He’s human, and it’s embarrassing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Embarrassed</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m not sure how to get through this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’ve never had a very easy time admitting something like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why am I embarrassed? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As a god, I never refrained from discussing my love life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m not ashamed, per se. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s awkward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Embarrassing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hate him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or I should. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't know at this point. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Man</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Apollo describes men.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Man </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Men are… well they can be many different things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kind, gentle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Strong, Hardened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Warrior. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Poet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>King. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Men can be fierce. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They can dominate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they can be soft. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clean. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Woman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Apollo describes women.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Woman </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Women can be many things too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I have never underestimated a woman. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kind, gentle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Strong, hardened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Warrior. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Poet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Queen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Women can be fierce. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They can dominate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they can be soft. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clean. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Desire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This one is actually kinda explicit. At least, more mature theme-wise. </p><p>Also: Apollo (god form) probably used his body to get what he wants. There is a reason he was the “pinnacle of male perfection” and you bet he used it to his advantage.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Desire </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I have immortality, the first thing I will do is get myself drunk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I will sleep around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After all, I w̶a̶s̶, am, the man-whore of the Olympian pantheon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I want the men.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, I want him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(The right him this time.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I…… gods I want him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I want it so bad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I miss it so much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I could have him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he wanted me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, he would beg. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I think I was his first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tainted him. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Dread</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: mentions of murder, flashbacks, sort-of ptsd</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dread </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I do not want to fight him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I do not want to see his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The look he gave me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He should be dead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I killed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He should be dead. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Dead</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This one is probably the last chapter, unless I find the energy to write more :( </p><p>Warning: suicidal thoughts and idealization, mentions of character death.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dead  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I should be dead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By now, at least.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I would be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I will be, the way things are going. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I know quite a few dead people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ghosts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, I don't really know them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Thinking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Thinking</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was thinking yesterday. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was laying down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stared at the ceiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Am I a good person? </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Letoide</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Letoide</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes my sister and I are called Letoides. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’ll admit something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am still confused on how you pronounce that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Human language has fluctuated so much it’s hard to keep up,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I appreciate the sentiment though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And I like the idea. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Good</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Good</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I like to think I’m good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I want to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I want to be soft. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And nice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And not hardened. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Bad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Bad</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe I am bad? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe I really am annoying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dumb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Untalented. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Worthless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A nuisance. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Birth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Birth </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oddly, I remember being born. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even with my insistence that I am older, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Artemis was born 9 days before me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I decided to give her some space. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She helped birth me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was the first face I saw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>We look alike, you know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Our real forms do, at least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was rather dark in the womb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And full of liquid. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I ever experienced it again, I’d be afraid. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’d call it drowning. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Childhood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Childhood</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I probably had what the gods would call a standard childhood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I trained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I slept. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I ate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grew up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't remember much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m tired of talking about me. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Lightning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning for physical abuse</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Lightning</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My father has lightning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't like lightning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It makes me flinch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It shouldn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it was used against me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It stings your back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sets it on fire. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It spreads to your toes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fills the crevices. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reaches places you forgot you had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Always a certain point on my spine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right in the middle, maybe just a bit down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, when it’s the master bolt, it splits you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once, it scattered me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn’t want to come back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was scared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They made me.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Poetry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Poetry</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Am I bad at it? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Artie says I’m bad at it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I can’t be bad at it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I have to be good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am the best. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The best. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Best</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Best</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am amazing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am the best. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I am wonderful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brilliant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Creative. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ingenious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inspiring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Awe inducing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Worship me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fall to my feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Offer your life to me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To satisfy me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To satiate my taste for immortality. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Worst</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: suicidal thoughts </p><p>(him refers to Hyacinthus)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Worst</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, I hate myself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wanna die. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, truly die. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Be gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he’ll be there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Do you think he’s angry with me? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I ruined his life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I want to ruin mine in retaliation. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Wind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>BIG warning for blood, violence, hatred, mentions of grief/torture/suffering, and storms. </p>
<p>(him refers to Zephyr, god of the wind and the man who killed Hyacinthus. He took refuge under Eros' protection under the basis that he did it out of love, so Apollo couldn't punish him.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Wind</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We had a storm today. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t much rain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mainly wind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I hate the wind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I hate it so much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If I could end it completely I would. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I hate him so much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I loathe him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I want to rip off his flesh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I want to feed it to my horses. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My cows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I want to make him suffer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I want to bash his brains in with a rock. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Crush it into his skull. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Make him pay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pay for the pain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The grief. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The suffering he put me through. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I will never forgive him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I want to hammer in his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just above his left ear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Let the blood trickle onto the grass. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Take his soul. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Make him watch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>See just how painful it is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I want to destroy him. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning for injury (not gory)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Pain </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I never thought my body could hurt this much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I thought I was safe from pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I know I was, at one point. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not anymore, apparently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My whole body aches. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My ankles feel swollen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I think my ribs cracked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes hurt to close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They burn through my eyelids, so I keep them open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least it makes it hard to think. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't know what i would do if I could think. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Heal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Apollo again wonders whether he really was that great, and decides to take it into his own hands.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Heal </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My son healed me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is weird to say that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My son. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't think I should have a son. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not one that’s older than me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Artie would probably know what to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some of her hunters are adults. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I was grateful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I thanked him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I think he looks like me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A better version. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes care of people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is kind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m not sure what I was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that doesn’t matter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What matters is who I am now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who I’ll choose to be. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Matters</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning for suicidal thoughts, but this isn't so much an angst chapter as an existential crisis</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Matters</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’m not sure what matters now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't know what’s important to me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Family. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This quest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And I’m scared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why am I so scared? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’ve always been afraid of dying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even as an immortal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s an oxymoron. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, maybe not dying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a long while, I wanted to die. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not in a depressing way, I just</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I thought it would be easier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I thought that an afterlife would be better than a present life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe I could reunite with some people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ghosts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now I know I can’t take the easy way out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I don't do it for myself, then for my children. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meg.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So I’ll take matters into my own hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And I will succeed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I will not doubt that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It would be deadly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And when I’m done, will I be the better person? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I think so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. The End</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Last, and final chapter! Yayyyy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The End</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I’ve never liked endings. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am a god. Things don't need to end for me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But I am not a god anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not a good one, at least.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not the kind of god people should look up to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Worship.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Did I deserve the praise? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But do I deserve the shame, and this punishment? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of being a reckless man, </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One that puts himself above others, </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One that values his comfort to others lives, </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I will be cautious. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And careful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I will make things right. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And I will be myself again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because deep down, underneath all the bad, </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I think I was good, somewhere. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And you have to have a sliver of good to recognize that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So I will be a better god. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the time comes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But for now, I am not a god. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not anymore. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And I don't think I ever was. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>